Another light fixture for the house. Ya know, in trying to sell this place I've had to "remove" my drawings, (mostly nudes) and sculptures. (At least according to my sister in law who thinks she's an expert on selling homes due to watching some show on Cable for the past two years.) The result is, I feel like I'm not living in my own home.My drawings are NOT pornographic. They re tasteful nudes, most done in life drawing classes I've taken over the years. No "hard-ons", etc. It's hard not being myself.
The kid's been trying to call me all weekend. It's hard not to pick up the phone. But there's only enough money left on the deal for one more phone call. And his brother wants to talk to him one more time before the trial. Especially since it looks like neither one of us will be able to be there for him. So I've written him a letter to wait until next weekend. Meanwhile, the phone has been ringing several times with the caller id showing it's the jail. It's hard not to just pick it up.
It's hard not to pick up the phone and call the FWB. I'm so used to talking to him often. But we're in this "war of silence". It sucks. If I give in now and be the first one to call, he will continue to treat me badly, and I'm not going to allow myself to be treated this way anymore. I'm finally coming to the realization that I really AM worth more.
It's hard waiting for interviews, for the house to sell, for things to change. Especially when the meds are not working well and the doctor is an idiot. She actually said, "I'm not going to give you anything for the depression, because then we might set off the mania." So, um, yeah, Doc? I'm supposed to get to the suicidal point before you help? And it's not like I can change docs right now. I'm going through the county health system and she's the only choice. Fuck!
I know all of us have hard things in our life. I read your blogs. I know the struggles you're going through (or at least some of you that share what's going on).
It just seems overwhelming at times, doesn't it? To me, it's to the point of this is almost too hard. Not just the stuff I've told you about here, because if it was just that, I could skate on through that. But there comes a point when you say, "Okay, God....when is it enough?"
That's about where I am right now.
I only like hard one way.
And it involves the anatomy of a man.
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6 comments:
You can always call me instead.
I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. You certainly deserve better.
Life really does suck. There are moments of good, happiness and all that, but it sure ain't easy. Wish there was something I could do to make yours a little easier.
Take 'em as they come, and prioritize which battles you're going to fight. It'll all fall together soon enough. You're on the right track and you're busting your ass to get what you want and dserve.
I'm always rooting for you down here in SA.
Sometimes life just sucks and itlooks like its only going to get worse but it does get better.
You're son will just have to understand and you are sending him a letter.
Just hold on for the sun to shine again.
Words don't help much but they do show that we care about you and your troubles so maybe that helps a bit, hang in there.
I feel for ya, about that jail call.
as far as the tough times, there's always tomorrow, If it don't kill ya, it will just make you stronger. Deal with one thing at a time. As I look back (maybe to yesterday sometimes), some of the tougher times, were actually some of the best times.
"I'm finally coming to the realization that I really AM worth more"
THANK BIG ERNIE!! :)
I always knew you were. *hug*
YOu can call me too, anytime, any hour. If I can ever get down there we can drunk call Brian, because you know how he loves that. xoxoxo
It's going to be fine. It IS. You've got us you know.
Although that really might not be much comfort. *teehee*
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