And Monty, next time you drive down this way, please be on the look out for this guy, m'kay?
Oh wait, I see it's a CA highway. Okay Rain, pass him on once you're done with him.

Kick Ass

Ya know, I've decided that he can just kiss my ass. I'm WORTH more. I DESERVE more.
And it's totally HIS fucking loss.

So I'm back in the saddle (and ready to ride, let me tell ya!)

Sorry for the pity party there, but sometimes a girl has to feel down for a little before she can come back and kick some ass.

Hardness

Another light fixture for the house. Ya know, in trying to sell this place I've had to "remove" my drawings, (mostly nudes) and sculptures. (At least according to my sister in law who thinks she's an expert on selling homes due to watching some show on Cable for the past two years.) The result is, I feel like I'm not living in my own home.

My drawings are NOT pornographic. They re tasteful nudes, most done in life drawing classes I've taken over the years. No "hard-ons", etc. It's hard not being myself.

The kid's been trying to call me all weekend. It's hard not to pick up the phone. But there's only enough money left on the deal for one more phone call. And his brother wants to talk to him one more time before the trial. Especially since it looks like neither one of us will be able to be there for him. So I've written him a letter to wait until next weekend. Meanwhile, the phone has been ringing several times with the caller id showing it's the jail. It's hard not to just pick it up.

It's hard not to pick up the phone and call the FWB. I'm so used to talking to him often. But we're in this "war of silence". It sucks. If I give in now and be the first one to call, he will continue to treat me badly, and I'm not going to allow myself to be treated this way anymore. I'm finally coming to the realization that I really AM worth more.

It's hard waiting for interviews, for the house to sell, for things to change. Especially when the meds are not working well and the doctor is an idiot. She actually said, "I'm not going to give you anything for the depression, because then we might set off the mania." So, um, yeah, Doc? I'm supposed to get to the suicidal point before you help? And it's not like I can change docs right now. I'm going through the county health system and she's the only choice. Fuck!

I know all of us have hard things in our life. I read your blogs. I know the struggles you're going through (or at least some of you that share what's going on).

It just seems overwhelming at times, doesn't it? To me, it's to the point of this is almost too hard. Not just the stuff I've told you about here, because if it was just that, I could skate on through that. But there comes a point when you say, "Okay, God....when is it enough?"

That's about where I am right now.

I only like hard one way.

And it involves the anatomy of a man.

Redecorating

Don't you think this would look grand in my living room?

Walker, I can just see you hanging it for me now....

On the emotional front, I'm hanging in there. Just getting by sucks those big chandelier thingies!
If something doesn't change soon, well.....I dunno.

I'm trying to look at it positively. I've gotten rid of the distraction (FWB) although not in any way that I would have liked to. I've still got electricity and internet connection, so life...at the moment...is still okay.

I had lunch with some friends today that I'd not seen in several years. It was nice.

Nice, at this point...is good.

Have a good weekend. I've got the schedule from hell at work this week, so I may be spending whatever spare time I've got in bed under the covers.

Men

Ya know, men....
I love you. As a species. As a sex toy. As just the jerks you generally are. Most people accuse me of thinking just like a man.

But I guess I failed illogical thinking somewhere along the line this past week.

The FWB has texted me EVERY day for the past week and a half saying "I want to get together with you tonight." and then every night it's "I've got the kids one more night, can we do it tomorrow?" His ex is playing games with the kids and he's been keeping them quite a bit lately. Which is cool. I know he loves them and loves getting to have them for a longer time.

But after the last time, he pulled the same thing, I sent him an email saying, "At least answer your damned phone when I call you, or call me back. The text messaging is getting old, and I'm not twelve anymore." Also told him I'm tired of being there for him at HIS convenience, but I never get the same courtesy in response.

Ya see, this started out as straight sex. No friendship or anything involved. It's developed over the past year to a true friendship (or so I thought). But apparently calling him on his game playing shit changed the rules somehow, and now I'm getting the silent treatment.

Fine...his loss. And I mean that. He got babied, taken care of, his every desire met, each and every time we were together. Let's see him do that for himself. Or find someone else as good as me to give him the total package. It's like downgrading from DSL to dial up, or Dish Network to the old antenna. Mother fucker.